“They’re Super, Thanks For Asking!” And Other Jokes (About the Bay Area) From Last Night

– The San Francisco Giants have received a reprieve from the baseball gods, weathering a virtuoso pitching performance from the unfortunately named Cincinnati Reds P Homer Bailey, who set a team-record with 10 strikeouts. The Giants, who won the game 2-1 in the 10th inning after C Buster Posey scored on a error by 3B Scott Rolen, still find themselves with “their backs against the wall” and will “need to take it one game at a time”, as manager Bruce Bochy likely said following the game. Barry Zito will take the mound for El Gigantes in an attempt to prolong their season and redeem himself for the depressingly large contract he has failed miserably to come close to living up to in any discernible or measurable way. Although the organization has steadfastly maintained they feel no ill-will towards the hurler, reports have surfaced that if Zito fails to qualify for a Quality Start, he may be subject to “advanced interrogation methods”, including but limited “waterboarding”, “electroshock” and “a discussion with Bruce Bochy about postmodernism as it relates to the works of Derrida using only baseball cliches” in a effort to uncover the location of “his talent or the money he stole”. As always, we’ll have more as this story develops at PPC HQ.

Detroit Tigers 1B Prince Fielder was stricken with an almost unnatural inability to hit balls that didn’t find their way directly into the glove of a waiting Oakland Athletics player, as he had two line drives caught by OFs Yoenis Cespedes and Coco Crisp, and ended the game by grounding into a double play, keeping the A’s magical season going for another night. “Fielder played real well for us. Every time he got up there, he made something happen for us, and we can’t really ask for more than that. You love to see a guy who gets paid that much doing all those things to help a team win,” said Oakland manager Bob Melvin.

– Finally, in worst-non-Sandusky-story-ever news, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has officially entered the Hussein phase of his tenure, completely disregarding facts and warnings to make declarations of war against a group that will likely lead to serious issues for him down the road with his decision to reinstate all of the suspensions for all of the players involved in the New Orleans Saints bounty scandal. Normally we’d make a joke here, but we have a feeling that the players will all have a good laugh after Goodell’s inevitable execution in the court of public opinion that such power grabs will likely lead to.


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