“They’re Swinging At Balls In The Dirt, Like It’s Golf; Which They’ll Be Playing Soon” And Other Jokes (That Are Direct Quotes from Yankees Fans On The Radio) From Last Night

– With a line-up missing injured henchman SS Derek Jeter and retired 3B Alex Rodriguez, the New York Yankees were unable to make it past Detroit Tigers ace Justin Verlander, losing 2-1 to find themselves on the brink of elimination. Things look bleak as the Bombers stare at 3-0, one game away from elimination, with no margin for error. Thankfully for the Yankees, such a comeback is possible, as the 2004 Boston Red Sox were able to come back from 3 games down to defeat…the New York Yankees. “Unfortunately, Boston literally has a trademark on coming back like that, so we’ll have to reverse engineer how they did it and go from there. I’ve already crossed off magic, voodoo, hypnosis, quality base running, clutch hitting and serendipity the list. We’ll get there,” said manager Joe Girardi, who has been a lightning rod for controversy this series, reaching a fever pitch when he decided to replace a struggling Nick Swisher and Rodriguez in the line-up with Eric Chavez and Eduardo Nunez for the game. “I didn’t realize they were eligible to play. I would have put them in there weeks ago if I knew that was the case! Have you seen A-Rod? He’s struck more times then those two guys combined this season in one series. Or something like that. I usually read my book when Alex is up,” continued Girardi. As always, we’ll — with giddy anticipation — have more as this story develops here at PPC HQ.

– After only a year after making one of the dumbest decisions in the history of team building, the Philadelphia Eagles have fired offensive line coach-turned-defensive coordinator Juan Castillo. He’ll be replaced with Andy Reid’s-replacement-in-waiting, secondary coach Todd Bowles. Andy Reid took full responsibility for both the hiring and the firing saying,

“I put Juan in this situation and things didn’t work out the way I had hoped. I take full responsibility for putting him in that situation.”

With that began a deluge of “other things” that Reid felt full responsibility for. A lengthy list, ranged from the  deeply personal, like “putting bad milk back in the fridge” and “not cuddling”  to the oddly broad, like “the Rwandan Genocide” and “bronies” to the literally impossible for him to have contributed to or caused in anyways, such as “World War II” and “the XYZ affair”. Oddly missing from the list, however, were “consistently not comprehending why it’s a bad idea to call two timeouts in the first five minutes of the second half” or “running the ball with authority or perseverance”. Baby steps, we suppose.

– Finally, in STOP-THE-INSANITY news, the NHL has sent the NHLPA a proposal calling for a 50-50 split in revenue, backing off their ridiculous requests for a 57-43 split after the players agreed to certain concessions regarding contract length and structure, thereby allowing the league to play a full season without interruption. Normally, we’d a joke here, but we swear to God, if the NHLPA rejects this offer, we’re bombing Canada. Or turning off the lights, which ever does the most damage.

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