“The New York Jets/Arizona Cardinals game” and Other Jokes (That Made Our Eyes Bleed) From The Weekend That Was

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– In a game that may have — according to sources at ESPN — “set the quarterback position 20 years”, the New York Jets hobbled to a 7-6 victory against the Arizona Cardinals. So bad was the quarterbacking on both sides of the ball that former Jets QB Mark Sanchez was benched after completing 3 passes to the other team while only making 10 such plays (on 21 attempts) with his own squad and still managed to be only the second worst quarterback on the field.  Cardinals “QB” Ryan Lindley played on the worst games in recent memory, gaining 72 yards on 10/31 passing with an interception thrown in for good measure. This gave him a 3.0 QBR rating, putting him 1.4 points behind his counterpart Sanchez, who was finally taken out of the game in favor of former Alabama QB Greg McElroy to the delight of Jets fans everywhere.

ESPN

When asked after the game why he made the change, Jets coach Rex Ryan said, “Listen, I think we all saw the way Mark played out there today, and I gotta be honest, I was not happy with it. It wasn’t good. I though Mark gave us the best chance to win until I realized we were going to lose if we kept giving them the ball and sucking. We were sucking, Mark was sucking, so we tried to bring the suckitude down before things got to be too much. Speaking of which, anyone want to go with me to Guy’s American K+B for a celebration dinner? I’m buying!”, leading a pied piper’s share of reporters out of the room without answering the question everyone is asking: Why not Olive Garden? As always, we’ll have more as this story develops here at PPC HQ.

– The college football bowl picture was solidified this weekend, as several conferences played their championship games. Most notable among them was Alabama’s narrow escape from the Bulldogs of Georgia, winning the SEC Championship game 32-28 after the Dawgs failed to score on a last-second play inside their own ten, when sophomore UGA wide receiver Chris Conley slipped after catching the ball on the five, leaving them unable to stop the clock and without enough time to start a new play. Crimson Tide head coach Nick Saban was his usually chipper self after the game saying, “We could have played better, and our guys know that. But I’m going to reward them for their efforts today, and how I’m going to do that, is 20 wind sprints at practice on Monday. They’ve earned that break, and honestly, I was getting tired being carried around the field by the linemen for all 50 we usually do, so it’s a nice little reprieve for all of us,” before continuing to watch tape of Notre Dame during the press conference while muttering to himself “All work and no sleep” repeatedly. Also, winning their conference championships were Florida StateWisconsin, Louisville and Northern Illinois. Congratulations to all involved on their invitations to one of the hundred meaningless bowl games this Bowl/Holiday/Christmas/Christ season.

– Finally, in IT’S-ABOUT-DAMN-TIME news, the NHLPA and NHL are planning a principals-only meeting between players and owners for Tuesday. Normally, we’d make a joke here, but this is our first day back, and we’re tired. Mostly of how shitty the NHL is run, but also, weird sleep patterns.

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