“O’s win Game 2, Showalter Unimpressed” And Other Jokes (That Remind Us of Our High School Social Studies Teacher) From Last Night

– The Baltimore Orioles did what they do best last night, winning another close game they have no business winning as a matter of probability, defeating the Yankees 3-2. The O’s have been lights out when leading after seven innings, going an astonishing 74-0 and 29-9 in one-run games, and last night was no different, as closer Jim Johnson rebounded from his blown save the previous night to shut down the Bombers in a perfect ninth inning. But even as the O’s managed to take a split out of Charm City and move onto the Bronx, where they have won every series played there this year; their manager Buck Showalter remains unimpressed:

“It’s one win closer to winning three. We know it is a tough task ahead of us, but you like the mathematics after tonight. At least you are one step closer.”

Adding, “But having said that, I’m still going to run these guys into the ground. We’re here to feel pain, to feel pain so we can know what joy feels like,” while chopping wood to build what he described as “a personal survival shelter for when we are in New York”. As always, we’ll have more as this story develops here at PPC HQ.

– Likely crushing any bit of hope that New York Jets fans had of a successful season, the Houston Texans came to Met Life Stadium and did what everyone expected them to: narrowly defeat New York in a hard-fought game by forcing them into several unfortunate turnovers that were more a product of dumb luck, happenstance and JJ Watt‘s otherworldly performance than gameplanning and the Jet’s quarterbacking incompetence.Things are not so good in New Jersey, which they probably deserve considering they INSIST on calling themselves a team from New York.

– The St. Louis Cardinals pulled even with the Washington Nationals, obliterating the upstart team from our nation’s capital 12-4. Leading the charge was OF Carlos Beltran, more than adequately filling in the shoes of departed slugger 1B Albert Pujols with 2 HRs and 3 RBI on 2-4 hitting. Also serving as a surprisingly adequate replacement, rookie manager Mike Matheny has done a yeoman’s job of filling in for LARUSSATron 3000, a state-of-the-art cyborg who managed the Redbirds to the World Series championship last year. “We miss him. The beeps, the boops, that little lever he had we’d pull to figure out when to bunt. But Matheny’s doing the best he can with what he has. We just couldn’t afford the ‘energy’ bill for that thing anymore. And by ‘energy’ I mean, well, you know what I mean,” said backup 1B Lance Berkman following the game.

– Finally, in more-like-housecat-amirite? news, Tiger Woods has apologized to rookie members of the U.S. Ryder Cup team Webb SimpsonBrandt SnedekerJason Dufner and Keegan Bradley for his performance at this year’s event, where he went 0-3-1 with draw coming after the Europeans completed their historic comeback. Normally, we’d make a joke here, but, we mean, Tiger Woods apologizing to anyone about anything other than his wife for ruining Thanksgiving is just sad.

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