“RG3 for President” and Other Jokes (That May Eventually Come to Fruition) From Last Night


– Despite the polls closing close to a month ago, a recall election may be in order following Washington Redskins QB Robert Griffin III‘s performance during last night’s Monday Night Football 17-16 victory over the NFC East-leading New York Giants. The former Heisman winner ran all over the Giants, gaining 72 yards on five carries, breaking the all-time rushing record for rookie QBs in the process. But it was through the air, and specifically in the guise of play action, that RGIII showed why he’s the most popular person in Washington, D.C. since Joe Gibbs during the early years of the Clinton administration. Griffin — who is at or near the top of the league in passer rating and completion percentage — went nearly perfect in these situations, going 9 for 11 passing for 122 yards and touchdown. In fact, Griffin’s play-action prowess seems to have drawn suspicion from the defending champion Giants. “We talked with the league office, because it’s become clear to us that the Griffin is using some sort of mind control to get our defensive backs to bit so hard on those play fakes. Whether it is an electronic device, or a product of his obvious Martian upbringing, there’s no place in our game for this and hopefully it will be dealt with accordingly,” said the noticeably flustered head coach of the Giants, Tom Coughlin, whose normal shade of crimson had turned into a beet color, likely as a result of his team’s inability to convert in the red zone despite the relative easy with which they moved up and down the field against the ‘Skins. As always, we’ll have more as this story develops here in at PPC HQ.

– Incidents of people exclaiming “OOOOOH, I GUESS THAT EXPLAINS IT” in their cars were reported throughout the Northeast after it was reported that Yankees 3B/lightning rod for controversy Alex Rodriguez would undergo surgery in January for an issue with his hip . The injury, which will keep him out of action until at least June, is being cited by many as the explanation for what appeared to be a pathological inability to make contact with the baseball for much of last season. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” said a member of the Yankees front office, “it was like a cry for help. I literally saw him be told by a catcher that the fast was coming, apparently out of sympathy. Didn’t work. He struck out with tears in his eyes. Worst thing I’ve ever seen.” With A-Rod out, the Yankees will likely play Eric Chavez at 3rd, leaving the potential for the first ever “3rd Base controversy” in the history of 3rd place baseball teams.

– Finally, in long-slow-goodbye news, lame duck Philadelphia Eagles coach Andy Reid named rookie QB Nick Foles the starter for the rest of the season. His reasoning:

“No. 1, I just think he’s playing well enough to where I think he can win football games for us and No. 2, I think where we sit at this position in the season, I think it’s the right thing to do.”

Normally, we’d make a joke here, there are only so many Howard Taft jokes you can make before your fingers get tired.


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