“Bobby Valentine’s Career In MLB Ends in Fiery Wreck, 1969-2012” And Other Jokes (That We Highly Approve Of) From Last Night

Robert John “Bobby V” Valentine, who as a young man scored 3 pinch runs for the 1969 LA Dodgers before working his way up through the managerial ranks from the Texas Rangers organization to the Chibba Lotte Marines to the New York Mets to the Chibba Lotte Marines to the Boston Red Sox saw his long career in baseball come to an end in a stunning 162-game-long car crash. His tenure was 43 years old.

Valentine, who once returned to a game in a disguise after being ejected, was known for his “acerbic” wit and “telling it like it is” style, an approach which found him in hot water for entirety of his final season, a disgrace of almost biblical proportions. Valentine managed to alienate the entirety of the roster on more than one occasion, starting with his unprovoked attack on Kevin Youkilis to begin the season and slowly working his way through the organization, creating such a toxic, unproductive atmosphere to the mass departure of 261 million dollars worth of failure, and capping everything off by throwing his coaches under a bus on his last day as manager.

Valentine will likely go down as the most hated manager in Boston sports history, taking the title from Grady Little, who held it since leaving in Pedro Martinez in Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS. Regarding his passing, Red Sox Nation representative, Tommy Sullivan, who “surprisingly” goes by “Sully”, said “That f**king piece of sh*t can s**k my d**k.”

With Valentine gone, the Red Sox look to Toronto Blue Jays manager and former Boston pitching coach John Farrell, but such a move would be subject to approval by the Blue Jays. Given their recent luck this will probably end with the team rehiring Grady Little and bringing in his predecessor (for most hated coach) basketball coach Rick Pitino who held the title for 3 years following his “walking through that door” speech. As always, we’ll have more as this story develops here at PPC HQ.

– The Arizona Cardinals have finally succumbed the forces of reality, losing for the first time this season as they were unable to get past a tough challenge on the road by the St. Louis Rams, now over .500 for the first time since the Bush administration. The game, which ended 17-3, showed the very worst the NFL has to offer on the offensive side of the ball, as even the winning QB, former No. 1 overall pick Sam Bradford was unable to complete more than a third of his passes, finishing 7 for 21 with 2 TDs. “Thankfully, from what I understand, this is good. I’m not big on reading or writing or nothing, but if I know anything about math, it’s that 2 TDs out of 7 completions is good! If this were college, I’d get a happy face sticker from my professor on that. Oh man, I hope Coach Fisher does that too! That would be awesome!” said University of Oklahoma alum Bradford before giddily running out of the room shouting “Coach Fisher! Coach Fisher! It’s sticker time!” down the halls of the Edward Jones dome.

– Finally, in Herr Goodell news, suspended New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton will allowed by Commissioner Roger Goodell to attend this Sunday’s Saints game as their QB Drew Brees attempts to pass for a touchdown in his 49th consecutive game, which would break the tie he currently has with NFL legend and former Baltimore Colts QB Johnny Unitas. Payton will be allowed to view the game from a secure area within the Superdome, and will likely not be able to contact Brees even if he reaches the milestone, as his suspension explicitly prohibits contact with any member of the team for the entirety of his sentence. Normally, we’d make a joke here, but considering how mad we made Roger with all the “replacement referee” stuff, we figure it’s best to watch from our own secure area in the Palace of Wisdom and just keep our mouths shut.


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