“Cowboys Lose as Tony Romo’s Jay Cutler Impression Falls Flat” And Other Jokes (That Dallas Fans Will Probably Want to Forget About) From Last Night

– In what’s being described as “an eerily accurate piece of performance art”, Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo tied a career-high with 5 INTs (two of which were returned for TDs), spearheading Dallas’s 34-18 loss to the Chicago Bears and fellow gunslinging QB Jay Cutler. Romo’s performance — littered with hurried scrambles that lead to errant throws behind a porous offensive line widely considered one of the the worst units in football — was clearly reminiscent of Cutler’s controversial performance two weeks earlier in a Thursday Night Football loss to the Green Bay Packers where the former Vanderbilt QB threw 4 INT as the Bears fell to their bitter rivals. Normally, such similarities between performances could be chalked up to equally inept protection, and the nearly identical playing styles of both the Packers and Bears defense, but, sources familiar with the organization have leaked that Cowboys owner Jerry Jones may have played a role in Romo’s meltdown. According to documents provided by a source who referred to himself only as “Survivor Jim”, Jerry Jones has used Romo’s contract situation as leverage, forcing Tony to “sling it like that Smokin’ fella” in order to create buzz for Jones’s upcoming reality television show “Jerry Knows Best”, which will focus on Jones’s take over of coaching duties from current coach Jason Garret after Week 6. As always, we’ll have more as this story develops here at PPC HQ.

– The MLB playoff picture further solidified last night, as the Washington Nationals and Detroit Tigers officially clinched titles in the NL East and AL Central, respectively, while the New York Yankees essentially clinched the AL East by entering into a official game with the hilariously inept Boston Red Sox. The Sox, who were without CF Jacoby Ellsbury, DH David Ortiz and 2B Dustin Pedroia last night, trotted out a line up that “featured” six players who had spent time in AAA during the season, and whose cumulative salary was less than several individual players on the Bombers. “We wanted to show how completely we can shit the bed this season,” said embattled Boston manager Bobby Valentine, who will likely not return next season after the worst season at home for the boys from Beantown since a year after the last time a Democrat won Utah, “And honestly, I’m proud of the unmitigated jackassery that myself and the team have engaged in this season and I look forward to alienating as many fans as possible before being shown the door with such speed as to leave a mark on behind and my very essence as a human being,” continued Bobby V., showcasing his trademark “honesty” and penchant for “telling it like it is” that served him so well over the past season.

– Finally, in that-must-have-been-a-real-hard-decision-you-idiots news, the Chicago Bulls have finally extended the contract of Tom Thibodeau, giving the defensive guru an additional four years on top of this one after several months of speculation regarding whether or not they would resign the man that had lead them to the best record in basketball his first two years on the job and nearly won a second consecutive Coach of the Year award after navigating through a difficult year without then-reigning MVP Derrick Rose for much of last season. Normally, we’d make a joke here, but honestly, this is the team that let Scottie Pippen, Michael Jordan and Phil Jackson go, so that could have gotten really awkward really quick.

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