“Eagles Continue Magic Act; Pull Win Out of Ass, Blindfolded” And Other Jokes (That Will Distract Us From The Ryder Cup Loss) From The Weekend That Was

– Despite 9 turnovers in their first three games, and a -17 point differential, the Philadelphia Eagles managed to improve to 3-1 after New York Giants kicker Lawrence Tynes missed a potential game-winner from 54 yards. This came after a rare offensive pass interference call on WR Ramses Barden against Eagles CB Nmadi Asomugha pushed Big Blue back out of range Tynes’ normal range. Making the unusual call all the more remarkable was the fact Asomugha had left the game — and apparently went to the hospital, according to sideline reporter Pam Oliver — following an eye injury, and was unable to see clearly for most of the game, and apparently after, as he complained about the lights from the cameras in a sideline interview with Sal Paolantonio. When asked in the press conference where he found the inspiration, he said, “James Earl Jones’s character in The Sandlot and Toph from Avatar: The Last Airbender, mostly”. There’s no word on whether or not his injury will keep him out of next week’s game, or if he may lose his magical powers when his sight returns, but as always, we’ll have more as this story develops here at PPC HQ.

– In the biggest choke job since the Europeans did the very same thing in 1999, the U.S. was unable to maintain a 4 point lead going to the final day of the 2012 Ryder Cup, taking the Adam Scott route to a 14.5-13.5 defeat at the hands of a visiting squad riding high on the spirit of the late Seve Ballesteros. The comeback matches the largest in the event’s history, tying the aforementioned comeback by the Americans, though the EU’s performance occurred in front of a raucous away crowd in Medinah, Illinois as opposed to the friendly confines of Brookline, Massachusetts (for the Americans) that was the site of the previous turnaround. The comeback wasn’t the only ridiculous part of yesterday’s festivities, however, as World No.1 Rory McIlroy nearly missed his tee time following a bit of miscommunication between McIlroy, a fundamental understanding of the concept of time zones, and whomever his assistant is. McIlroy, of course, went on to win his match 2 & 1, and said after the event, “Oy! These blimey clocks is a nuisance, they is! And what in the bloody ‘ell is a time zone?” before joining his teammates for what can only presume was an almost cataclysmic combination of drinking, debauchery and funny looking polos drenched in champagne.

– Finally, in welcome-to-the-end-my-friends news, nearly every single available AL postseason berth has been clinched, with last night’s Angels loss guaranteeing the Yankees and Orioles a trip to the postseason  and pushing the A’s “magic number” to 1. Of course, postseason seeding is still up for grabs, as the O’s and Yanks are tied atop the AL East, and whomever doesn’t win the division will likely have to face what looks to be a very strong Oakland squad in a single-game playoff. Normally we’d make a joke here, but the key to comedy is timing, and the key to jinxing one of our least favorite teams is just keeping our mouths shut.


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