“HOSTAGE CRISIS OVER: NATION REJOICES AS REFS RETURN TO WORK” And Other Jokes (Which Warm Our Heart, and We Hope Yours) From Last Night

– After one of the more obnoxious weeks in the history of televised sport, the NFL and the NFLRA have finally reached a settlement, ending a 2-month-long stalemate between the two sides and allowing the men in stripes to return to their rightful place as the subject of our scorn and derision. “We’re just excited to be able to complain about the real issues in the game: the refs. With the scabs, it was just like we were going through the motions, and it wasn’t the same,” said a Green Bay fan who only identified himself as Raron Odgers. The irony of the entire situation is that for all the consternation by the owners, they ended up succumbing to nearly all of the referee’s demands, only barely getting a compromise on the pension/401K issue (the officials agreed to transfer their pensions to 401Ks in 2016) and giving in on nearly everything else. “We got hosed, and we got hosed bad,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell in an alternate universe where he says truthful things. The officials will begin work tonight during the Browns-Ravens game, which is nice, as the preseason atmosphere will likely help significantly with the officials’ transition back into football. As always, we’ll have more as this story develops here at PPC HQ.

– Following the release of his French-language-only memoir, Game Over: The Story of Eric Gagne, the titular pitcher finds himself in semi-hot water with former teammates following a claim made in the book that “80%” of his teammates on the Los Angeles Dodgers used HGH during his time with the team. Texas Rangers 3B Adrian Beltre and White Sox manager Robin Ventura both explicitly denied involvement in such illegality, while Washington Nationals P Edwin Jackson was less hardlined with his stance, simply saying,

“”I was just a puppy. I was oblivious to everything. All I know was I was in the league. At that time, I was 20, 22. I was just worried about being in the league. I was just happy to be there. Everything else, I was out of the loop.”

Which, if we are using our baseball-to-English dictionary correctly, translates roughly to “YOU WANT THE TRUTH? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!”

– Finally, in dust-storm news, the Miami Marlins have been granted special dispensation to allow former 1-at-bat major leaguer Adam Greenberg another chance at fulfilling a life-long dream of playing in the major leagues. Greenberg, whose previous big league at-bat ended in tragedy when he was hit in the back of the head by a 92-mph fastball, has been the subject of widespread media attention after a documentary film crew began chronicling his story as he attempted to make his way back into the major leagues. Normally, we’d make a joke in this section, but we are not monsters, and this sounds like a really good story, so, we guess, Go Marlins?


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