“Replacement Refs Drunk Before Last Call of MNF Game” and Other Jokes (That Are Starting to Get a Little Depressing) From Last Night

– In a nearly Shakespearean confluence of events, the inevitable finally inevited, as the incompetency of the replacement refs cost a team a nationally televised game. The incident occurred on the last play of a slugfest between the Seattle Seahawks and Green Bay Packers when a Hail Mary pass thrown by Seattle’s rookie QB Russell Wilson was intercepted by Packers S M.D. Jennings, but on the way down also grabbed by WR Golden Tate (following his blatant push of CB Sam Shields). This lead to one of the more ridiculous things in the history of football, as one official signaled for a touchdown, while another signaled for a touchback — which would  indicate a change in possession. Of course, in their infinite wisdom, the replacement referees reviewed the play (as required by NFL rules implemented last season) and then, in their even more infinite wisdom, decided that despite the fact that Shields has possession of the ball, to reward a touchdown — and the game — to Tate and the Seahawks, 14-12. It was, in technical terms, a biblical shitshow. However, despite repeated inquiries, the Office of Karma, as well as the entire Kingdom of Heaven Whatever Is Up There have remained officially silent on the cosmic implications of such a miscarriage of justice. One source within one of the the organizations — speaking on the condition of anonymity — was only willing to refer in passing to the damages inflicted on “the very fabric of existence” by such “blatant idiocy” on the part of refs, saying  “For Crisssakes! He had the ball! The safety had the ball! Even if you want to argue that Golden Tate had a share of possession when they came down, HE DIDN’T CATCH THE BALL AT THE SAME TIME SO IT DOESN’T COUNT!” before muttering something about “touchdown Jesus” having “really messed up this time”. As always, we’ll have more as this story develops here at PPC HQ.

Rangers OF Josh Hamilton returned last night and reclaimed the American League home run lead with his 43rd such hit of the year.  This came after missing five games due to an eye injury that had been plaguing the slugger for the past week. This, of course, was a result of a rare condition called ocular keratitis, caused by the intake of too much caffeine and too many energy drinks. Hamilton, who struggled with crippling drug addiction before coming back into the league after a half decade out of it, explained the situation following the game, saying, “Well, youknow itwas justone of those things were I was reallyreally tired, so I just drank a bunchasoda and yeah, apparently, that messed up my eyes somehow. Believe me, though, I’ve learned my lesson: 18 bottles of soda in one day is too many.  I’m down to like, Idon’tknow, 10 bottles a day. Does that sound cool? Cool. Coolcoolcool. Moderation!”.

– Finally, in if-gambling-were-legal-we’d-be-in-a-lot of trouble news, last night’s referee debacle cost bettors between 150-250 MILLION dollars. Normally, we’d make a joke here, but we’d rather not stick our heads out on this one, as we like our kneecaps just where they are, thank you very much.


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