“Peyton Manning: Falcons MVP During 5-hour Game” and Other Jokes (We SERIOUSLY Didn’t See Coming) From Last Night

Peyton Manning was afforded opportunities early and often to practice his world famous “Manning Face” last night, as he threw 3 INTs in the first quarter against the Atlanta Falcons. The game, which  appeared to be an attempt by the elder Manning to replicate his brother’s remarkable 3 TD/3 INT/510yd performance from the day before, was also marred by serious issues with replacement officials involving their complete inability to make any accurate calls or keep the game moving in a timely manner. In his attempt to replicate Eli’s Sunday, Peyton — unfortunately for Denver – failed to complete the “good second half” part and the Broncos succumbed to the Dirty Birds, 28-21. “Honestly, y’all, I’ve become real tired of everyone talking about how great Eli is. Guys, he’s only won one more Super Bowl than me. I’M DADDY’S FAVORITE,” cried a clearly distraught Manning after the game. Of course, we’ll have more as whatever happens with the Peyton Manning Neck Fusion tour happens here at PPC HQ.

Saints linebacker Jonathan Vilma‘s hopes of making money on all the games he’ll be missing whilst on the PUP (Physically Unable to Perform) list look to be in serious jeopardy, as evidence emerged following Vilma’s meeting with NFL commissioner in the form of a signed affidavit from former Saints headhunter defensive coordinator Gregg Williams. The affidavit, signed by Williams only four days prior, explicitly states that Vilma gave money to a “bounty” fund. Vilma denies the allegation, saying in a statement “KING KONG AIN’T GOT NOTHING ON ME”.

– Finally in never-gnarly-enough news, snowboarder/skateboarder Shaun White was charged with public intoxication and vandalism after drunkenly destroying a phone at the hotel he was staying at. Normally we’d make a joke here, but the next time we can muster up enough energy to care about another skateboarder who got drunk and broke something will be the first time.

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