“All hail, Felix, thou shalt be King hereafter!” And Other Jokes (Or Really, In This Case, a Shakespeare Reference) From Last Night

– For the third time this season, the Seattle Mariners have been a part of a no-hitter, this time getting one pitcher (Felix Hernandez) to do it for them (in the form of a perfect game), after throwing together a six-man no-hitter against the Los Angeles Dodgers and getting perfect’d by Chicago White Sox P Phil Humber. Hernandez struck out 12 Tampa Bay Rays on his way to perfection, nearly matching the performance of the San Francisco Giants’ Matt Cain, who struck out 14 against a much shakier Houston Astros lineup.  The game marks the third time a team has been perfect’d this year, a record amount for a single season, besting the previous high by one — which has happened twice, in 2010 and 1880. With a resurgence of pitching dominance, there has been talk of lowering the mound, using the provisions taken following the 1968 season (more esoterically known as The Year of the Pitcher) as precedent. “It’s been a long time since I’ve made an unreasonable decision. I was riding pretty high after the whole All-Star game tie debacle, and I brought the poor decision hammer down hard by rewarding the winner of a game that I had just let end in a tie be the home team for the World Series. And not the actual team, mind you, just a representation of the league’s “best” players that aren’t as good as the guys who start the game. But then I got in my own head, and I made that stupid stupid extra wild card game that everyone seems to like. I feel like it might be time to bring back the Real Me. I feel like these people miss the wraith of Selig, ” bellowed a visibly bored Bud Selig following the game. As always, we’ll have more as this story develops here at PPC HQ.

All-Star MVP/OF Melky Cabrera ruined a total chill season in San Francisco, getting himself banned for the rest of the regular season and the first round of the playoffs — should the Giants make it — after testing positive for excess levels of testosterone. The suspension was so unexpected and sudden that Cabrera was in the lineup before the game, which ended up being another rough outing for former 2-time Cy Young winner Tim Lincecum, who was especially troubled by the Cabrera suspension. “Dude, it’s like. You know? It’s a super bummer. Like, I don’t even totally want to go to In-n-Out with Panda right now. My chi is total out of whack. Imma go chill,” Lincecum said to reporters following his 4-inning 4-run 8-hit performance.

– Finally, in  are-we-really-getting-this-excited-about-an-exhibition-game news, the U.S. Men’s National Soccer Team defeated  Mexico, 1-0in Mexico for the first time in history. The U.S. had been 0-23-1 in their previous 24 attempts to defeat El Tricolor at Estadio Azteca, where the Mexicans are nearly unbeatable. We’d usually make a joke about people celebrating winning an exhibition match considering the Women’s team just won a gold medal, but after seeing how happy it made Alexi Lalas, we feel like maybe we should just let the guys have this one.

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